Sex Toy Review: Doc Johnson Irridescent Butt Plug

I'm not new to anal play but I have never had a butt plug before and I decided it was time for me to try something new. I bought this product after reading the reviews and deciding that I could manage the size. The pretty girlie finish was appealing, too!

I bought my item on Friday evening and it was here by Monday morning, even though I ordered over the festive season. The packaging was nice and discrete as normal; just the kind of good service we know and love.

The toy comes in fairly standard-looking plastic packaging which was easier to get into than some - it just pulled apart rather than having to be hacked to pieces! The card insert looked rather pretty in pinks and purples and did set off the toy rather nicely. I was surprised that the toy was a little bigger than I thought it was going to be, but still not intimidating. It's really well made, with a slightly softer core inside the iridescent outside layer. The plug feels really smooth to the touch and had a slightly fruity smell when I opened the box.

Once I applied plenty of lube it was easy enough to slip inside and it felt really comfortable once I had it settled and I had got used to the size. I was able to walk around with it inside me and it gave a really wonderful full up feeling! When I used my favourite vibe on my clit I had a fantastic orgasm with the plug adding a whole extra dimension to it, especially when I rested my vibe against the plug and made it vibrate too! The wide base made me feel very secure and as it's flat it was easy to sit on, too.

At only £12.99 this was excellent value for money and really worth it (although it may take me a little while to get used to it completely!)

Find it on Lovehoney.com!

Fat girl slim?

Well, I can't take my body any more. I'm finally biting the bullet and going along to one of my local Slimming World classes.

I'm terrified. Absolutely scared stiff. But I am going anyway.

Wish me luck.

It's A Hard Knock Life

Today looked like it was going to be a really good day, even with a horribly early morning. Let the Puppy in at 8, didn't go back to bed and had plenty of time to get ready to go to the Jobcentre and then to go to my illicit cleaning job. I always enjoy my commute, whenever I am going anywhere on a bus. I don't know why but I find travel like that really peaceful (other than when I can't sit down, or there are too many people). I've never really been able to work out why it's so relaxing but it just is.

I had a really surprisingly helpful time with my advisor. As I'm only signing on for National Insurance credits now (so, basically, I don't get paid to be there any more) I actually didn't have to defend the reason that I am not taking any job which comes my way. I have now got some information to refer myself to the community mental health outreach team and see if I can get some help with my depression. She also understood that some jobs are just too stressful for me, even if it took her a little while to understand that actually, retail work is far more stressful than office work, because it's people I struggle with. I was there for nearly two hours but left feeling pretty positive.

Although I haven't had my antidepressants today as I've run out I still managed to get through town and bought myself some silly stuff on the way through. I have been getting close to a couple recently who are into ageplay, and it's been making me think more about it. I can really understand why people get into it and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to feel small and protected and carefree. I'd been thinking for a while about how much I kinda wanted a pacifier. I suck my thumb anyway. A pacifier isn't much further...and so I bought one. So when I was in town today I found some really cute knickers - proper little girl style - and an adorable Hello Kitty nightie, some socks and hand warmers. Part of me can't wait to wear it all and have my paci so I can just...feel that small again. I now have a little babygirl bag (which I need to hide!) which I am both pleased and ashamed by.

I also had my earlobes re-pierced. It's been more than ten years since they were first done and I have started wanting to wear cute earrings recently, so I went in, sucked up my terror and had it done. The left one hurt like a motherfucker but the right was fine, and no more nasty infected, irritated scar tissue now! Yay.

I was in such a good mood while I was cleaning - everything went well - and then I got on the bus back into town. I was tired but felt okay. And then...it all went wrong. By the time I got off the bus I felt sad. I had missed my next bus, and felt worse. Then I started coughing and some drunk guy came and was harassing me and breathing his fucking smoke into my face and then I realised there wasn't a bus for half an hour...and then my mother rang. And what she wanted wasn't to talk, to ask how I am...she wanted me to go sort my sister's shit out. Again. We were on the phone for an hour and I nearly broke down a few times. I didn't tell her I'd been self harming. I couldn't. She doesn't understand why I am so down. Truth is, neither do I. There's no reason for it other than that my head just doesn't work right, and I have to try and manage that. It's weird. I made it home, tired and coughing and feeling a little blue and before I've been online five minutes I am nagged again, to sort out her life. This time by her partner. I cried. Oh, nobody saw it but inside I cried and cried. I told him I'd been self harming and there was no concern...nothing. He seemed pissed off more than anything.

And now...? I feel numb. Earlier on today I sat and thought how good I felt, that for the first time in a long time I really felt fine - happy. I even thought that perhaps I could come off my antidepressants. And yet I'm back in this place, feeling a combination of empty and hopeless, and I can't believe how quickly it changed.

Playtime

It was the same as hotel bars all across the world. The lighting was low – to hide the bad 70s print carpet, I thought – and the drinks were overpriced, but it was worth it to help forget the carpet. I sipped my diet Coke, idly stirring it with the straw and listened to the ice cubes clinking against the glass. I tapped the heels of my patent t-bar shoes against the bar stool, feeling like every eye in the place was on me. I was nervous, sitting there alone in the crimson-red dress. It was short enough that I was conscious of the lace tops of my hold-ups and was sure every man in the room could see them. I wriggled on the stool, worrying that the seams weren't straight, that people could see up my skirt, that it was too low cut and showed too much cleavage... I had never been very confident in my appearance and tonight wasn't any different. I'd carefully dried my curly auburn hair, pinning it into a 1940s style off my face and behind my ears to show off my high cheekbones and a strong but not masculine jawline. It brushed my shoulders softly, it's caresses like a lover's, making me shiver. Rummaging in my bag I took out a powder compact and checked my make-up. Natural, soft brown eyeshadow just added definition around my green-grey eyes and my long lashes were darkened to frame them perfectly. My lips were painted a red to match my dress. I smiled into the mirror, hoping that my nerves didn't show. They did.
I drank my Coke and fiddled with my mobile phone, sending off a text message to my Mum, another to a friend. Killing time. I finished the drink, ordered another. Drank it. Took a trip to the ladies'. Ordered another diet Coke. The barman asked me if I was waiting for a date and I cringed inside. Did I look like the kind of girl who got stood up? I realised that I had been sitting there for nearly two hours and answered my own question: yes, I did. I covered my eyes with my hand and wished for the ground to open up and swallow me, bar stool and all. I went back to my silent contemplation of my drink and began to think that it wasn't worth me staying around. I was half way down my drink; at the end of this one, I thought, I am going home. I was disappointed but I didn't want to sit there like an idiot much longer. Head down and deep in thought I heard the heavy door to the bar open and I looked up briefly to see a tall, dark haired man with glasses hold it open for a petite girl with exotic features and glossy dark hair. She wore a red dress too and I felt self-conscious again. I didn't know her. I'd never met her. But I was a little jealous of her anyway. She had beautiful slim legs and walked confidently, her arm in that of the tall, handsome man. I went back to consideration of my drink, cursing my female jealousy.
I was almost done and was collecting my bits and bobs back into my handbag, grumbling to myself, when there was a tap on my shoulder. I jumped like I had just been electrocuted and turned. The tall man I had seen coming in was standing next to me, the pretty girl standing at his side, holding his free hand in both of hers. I looked blankly up at him – his hazel eyes were flecked with green and had a smile behind them. “Can we buy you a drink?” he asked. I frowned slightly, confused. “I was just leaving...” I said, but he deftly diverted my comment. “The barman said you've been here alone for a couple of hours. Come on. Let us buy you a drink. Unless you're going to another bar..?” He let the question hang in the air and, for some reason, I didn't take the hook. “No,” I said. “I was going home.” He made a soft tutting noise and the girl said “your dress is so pretty, you can't be just going straight home! We're just in town for the night. Let us see if we can give you a bit of a smile before you go. We don't bite, honest!” She smiled warmly at me and I couldn't help but smile back at her. Her eyes were a deep chocolate brown and I felt a little like I was melting into them. It had been a while since I had wanted a girl, but I wanted her. I wanted both of them. I paused for another moment before I said “Okay, mine's a diet Coke.” The tall man ordered and the girl introduced herself as Jenna. We chatted while he was served and I told her I'd been stood up. She looked at me with warm sympathy and put her hand on my arm. I felt the static running through me as she touched me. My pulse raced a little and I swallowed to get control of myself.
The tall gentleman came back and put down three drinks, handing over mine. Jenna introduced me. “This is Kitty, she's been stood up – how horrid is that?” I blushed flame red under my hair as he said “Terrible indeed, honey. How could someone stand up such a pretty kitten?” Now my blush was for a different reason and I was sure the couple could hear my heart fluttering against my ribs. We drank our drinks, chatting casually about their visit to the city and about our jobs, pets, desserts and TV shows – the usual stuff. They were engaging company and I was happy that I'd stayed for the drink. They were flirty, too, and I relaxed and began to flirt back, touching the girl's silky smooth hair and tossing my own off my shoulders to show my cleavage a little more. It was fun, just what I needed after my disappointing start to the night. As I finished my drink I started to say that I was going home, but she interrupted me with a hand on my leg. “Oh don't go! Come up to our room and have pizza with us – we're ordering in.” I stopped, glass in hand. “I...I'm waiting for some friends for dinner. I texted them – when I realised I was stood up.” The girl made a pouty face and the man said “Oh well that's just a bit sad. Come up anyway and don't sit here on your own. Your friends can ring you when they get here and then you won't have to sit here and be lonely, will you, kitten?” His voice was warm and his smile set butterflies fluttering around my stomach and suddenly I didn't want to sit there on my own, looking like the last girl on the side at the high school dance. “Okay,” I said, and he took me by the hand, the girl taking his other hand as we left the bar, the barman watching with what looked like envy on his face.
We took the lift up to their room on the third floor. In the low lit cube of the lift the man cupped my face in his hands and smiled at me. “You are a very, very pretty little one, kitten. Jenna noticed you as soon as we came in.” He leant down - so tall over me – and kissed me softly on the lips. I pulled away hard, backing up against the lift doors as they opened and almost fell out of the doors. “Wh-what's going on?” I stuttered. The girl skipped out towards me and caught me by the hand. “It's okay – I'm not going to freak out or anything! Daddy and I are open.” I pulled my hand away from her and felt myself go scarlet with shock. “What do you mean, Daddy?! Open what? What the fuck?” I exploded. I hadn't had a chance to move again before he had me hard by the upper arm, his free hand was over my mouth and I was aware of just how much taller and stronger than me he was. “Shhh! You're coming with us, full stop. Now are you going to walk to the room, or am I going to have to carry you? I fought hard against him for a second and then went limp and let myself be lead down the corridors until they stopped outside a room and the girl unlocked the door. I didn't even see the number as the man pushed me through the door, sending me flying. I tripped on my heels and fell clumsily onto the carpet, gasping as I threw my hands out to break my fall. He came and stood over me, then, and with a skip the girl danced past me, blowing a kiss at me as she disappeared into the bathroom.
“What the fuck is going on?” I asked, exasperated now and scared enough that I was getting cocky. I half stood and he shoved me hard back down. “You're going to join us for playtime, little kitten. Don't tell me you weren't flirting downstairs – I could practically hear your pussy getting wet! Jenna's very taken with you, you know, so be a good girl for us. She's such a sweet babygirl,” he leaned over me and slapped me across the face, making me squeal. “I thought she deserved a treat for being so good.” He slapped me again, taking my breath away. “I'm very lucky to be her Daddy.” Through my watering eyes I glared at him, dragging myself to my feet through the mist of pain and half walking, half falling stepped away from him towards the bed.
Before I knew it he was behind me, holding me firmly by the hips and his breath was hot against my skin as he bent down to bite the sweet spot where my neck and shoulder meet. My eyes squeezed closed and I moaned with pain, my body going rigid against him, resisting. They flickered open as he released his bite, and I glanced up to see his pretty girl come into my line of sight and sit in front of me on the bed. She had changed now into a thin white cotton nightdress, trimmed with pink gingham ribbons and bows at the shoulders. Her slim legs were wrapped in pink knee high socks and her raven dark hair was pulled into pigtails by her ears. She was close enough that I could smell her sweet perfume and underneath it the darker, deep-red scent of her body. I felt my heart thud against my ribs and a fierce tingling in down between my legs and my cheeks flushed. The girl giggled and said “I think she likes that, Daddy!”. My blush darkened again and I wriggled in his grip, trying to pull away and make an end to my embarrassment, but his grip tightened painfully on my hips and I gasped. From behind me he gave a low laugh. “I don't think it's my ministrations she was noticing, baby. I think she knows how turned on you are.” He paused for a moment, “perhaps you should show her, princess?”
She smiled at me then, tossing her silky hair over her shoulder as she lay back on the covers, her skin glowing in the soft light. She slowly spread her legs, opening herself up to my gaze and as she revealed her most private place I felt his hand move from my hip to encircle my throat, just under my jaw, holding my head in place. He squeezed slightly and the breath caught in my lungs. I couldn't help but watch her as she stroked two fingers down her glistening slit, opening it like a flower to reveal the darker pink inside, so wet that I could see her honey dewing at the entrance to her beautiful cunt. I swallowed hard, feeling my own lust rise as she circled her clit with her fingertips, rubbing for a moment before sitting up again and licking her fingers clean.
The girl smiled at me and came forward, leaning towards me from the end of the bed, and lifted my skirt up with one hand. Again I tried to lean away, to get myself free. Her other hand came up towards my sex and I found myself saying “No! Please don't!” in a childlike voice as she slid two fingers across my knickers – the same two fingers which had so recently caressed her own body, tracing the swell and cleft of my pussy. The throbbing deepened and my breath caught in my throat but I couldn't make a sound. She pressed against my flesh and I closed my eyes, desperate to be anywhere but here while knowing that, at the same time, there was nowhere else I would rather be. Shaking, I leaned back against his warmth and felt the hardness of his cock pressing against the small of my back. Without thinking I arched myself into him and heard a small groan of pleasure and felt him thrust gently against me for a second. Her hand was working against my clit now, still through the thin fabric of my underwear and I spread my legs a little to allow her to touch me. There was a small giggle from the girl and she said “Daddy! She's very wet now! I think she likes me touching her naughty place!” Brought back to reality I remembered where I was. “Please,” I said, “let me go. My friends will be looking for me!” I was lying. I wasn't meeting anyone, but the couple couldn't know that. His hand tightened around my throat sharply and the girl's stroking stopped immediately. “Don't lie to us, little kitten. You're not meeting anyone. You're ours now.” He pushed me away, hard, and spun me around, gripping my jaw and making me look up into his hazel eyes. “Do you understand me? You are mine, tonight.” I couldn't even speak, and my eyes began to fill with tears, hastily blinked back. Now I was afraid; he was so tall, strong, more powerful than me and he towered over me. With one shove I went backwards onto the bed, ending up on my ass between the legs of his girl. She gripped me by the hair, pulling my head back sharply. Her voice was sweet but threatening as she whispered “You have to be a good girl for Daddy, baby...” Her voice trailed off and I looked up to see him unbuckling his belt, pulling it from the belt loops and letting it drop with a heavy thud on the thick carpet. I watched his hands deftly unbuttoning and unzipping himself. Slowly, never taking his eyes off me, he took the dark trousers off and let them drop beside his belt. Shoes were flicked off and then his boxers were next. Now he was naked, his rock-hard cock drawing my attention, filling me with fear and desire which were so similar that I couldn't tell them apart. I gasped and bit my bottom lip. He smiled, a predatory smile, and slapped me – hard. I screamed. I couldn't help it. It was so sharp and unexpected and my face burned, eyes stung, and tears fell down my cheeks. He glared at me. “I will give you something to fucking cry about, little whore.” Two steps and he was right in front of me, the girl's hands still holding my hair in a tight grip and then his cock head was resting on my lips for the barest second and I realised what was about to happen before he forced my mouth open and plunged his manhood deep into my throat. I gagged hard, choking, as he thrust again and again, each time harder and deeper. I snatched quick breaths when I could, my eyes streaming and spit running down my chin and onto my dress. The girl murmured “You love it, don't you? You love taking Daddy's cock, you naughty girl!” Her voice, the restraining hand in my hair and the taste of his cock thrusting against my throat made me giddy, and I realised... I did love it. I could feel the wetness in my cunt, feel how swollen my clit was and that I was aching to be touched down there. I began to stroke his cock with my tongue as he pressed into my mouth, opening and relaxing to take as much of him down my throat as I could and I was rewarded with a deep groan of pleasure and a harder thrust, almost so hard that I couldn't take it – but he pulled out and stepped away from me, leaving me feeling empty now.
“Babygirl, I think it's your turn now” he said, one hand stroking his cock slowly, my spit lubricating his palm. The girl tugged sharply on my hair, making me wince and whine a little. “Ooh, thank you Daddy!” she said, and her grip relaxed, dropping me back against the mattress. I was startled, and lay still even though I was free for the moment. Then she was straddling me, her legs on either side of my waist as she bent towards me, her long hair brushing my cheeks. “Do you like girls, little one? I think you do!” She pinched one of my nipples, clearly outlined through my clothes, sharply enough to make me squeak. Her deep pink lips parted and she grinned. Raising herself to her knees she moved along my body until her sweet naked pussy was over my face. Her scent was intoxicating and she spread her legs a little more, lowering herself so that I could take a long, slow lick from back to front, ending with a little flick over her clitoris. She gasped, and I repeated the motion, over and over, getting firmer with each stroke. She tasted so sweet and I moaned into her body, lips pursing and sucking at her clit, tongue flicking it, feeling her tense above me. Leaving her sweet bud I darted my tongue in and out of her, the ball of my piercing rubbing against her entrance and she wriggled, grinding her cunt into my face. I lost myself in her, her juices flooding my face as I licked and sucked at her sex. I heard her panting hard now, and her voice was frantic as she begged “Please may I cum Daddy? Ple-a-s-e!” He must have nodded because with an ululating cry she came hard, thrusting and fucking my face as I rubbed my tongue against her clit, lapping her juices as they ran from her body. She shuddered, the muscles in her thighs tensing and relaxing with the strength of her pleasure. I became conscious of my own cunt again now, almost painful with my desire and I groaned once more into her. With a sigh, she collapsed forward onto the bed, leaving my face covered in her cum.
I lay for a moment on my back, my pretty red dress soiled with tears and drool. I raised myself to my elbows to look around me and saw him still standing, watching me, his cock now visibly pulsing as he stroked it. “Fuck, you're a dirty little kitten, aren't you? You like the taste of my girl's pussy, hmm?” I looked at him. “Well? Do you?” I gawped for a second then found my voice. “Yes, I do.” He frowned at me, stepping towards me. “You do, what? What do you call me, slut?” As soon as he said it, I knew what he wanted. My voice shook as I said “I do like the taste of her pussy – Daddy.” He stood over me again, but this time he didn't slap me – his hand was tender as he stroked the side of my face and gently ran his fingers through my auburn hair, messed up now and springing from its clips in soft tendrils. “That's a good girl, well done. You have made my little Jenna very happy. And you do look so pretty with her cum all over your face.” I blushed so hard at that. I'd forgotten what state I was in. I felt a hand stroking my back and turned my head to see the pretty girl smiling at me. “Daddy,” she said, looking up at him “I think maybe she should be allowed something nice now. She has been good!” I smiled back at her, thinking I was going to be allowed to go – but I was wrong.
“You're such a sweetheart, Jenna. But you're right. She has a wonderful mouth and she's done very well. I think she deserves Daddy's cock, don't you?” My eyes went wide as the girl nodded and sat up to unzip my dress. I tried to stand as I felt her hands on me and was pushed back down firmly and the zip fell open, the straps dropping from my shoulders, my breasts threatening to break free from the structure of the dress. I wrapped my arms around myself protectively, but the girl gently pushed them away, following them with the restraining straps, until the bodice was gathered around my waist and my breasts were exposed. He smiled and reached forward, twisting my nipple between his finger and thumb, and I gasped. “Such lovely tits,” he murmured, “quite perky, really, aren't they baby?” I felt the blood pound in my ears as she agreed with him and the blush on my cheeks felt like it was burning me. He pulled me by the nipple he still held and I stood quickly, my dress dropping off my hips and full bottom and leaving me standing in just my creamy-white knickers, stockings and the patent black shoes, the fabric of my dress gathering around my feet like a pool of blood. “Look at that – lovely!” he said, and part of me swelled with pride at the words. “She's very pretty, Daddy – and look at her bottom!” the girl he called Jenna said. Spun lightly I was bent down at the waist as he caressed one cheek then the other. “Well spotted, baby. She does have a gorgeous ass. But there's something missing.”
THWACK! I jumped forward, banging my shins on the end of the bed as his hand connected with my flesh. With one hand around my waist he slammed his hand down onto my other cheek with just as much force, then back to the first side – again and again. I cried out after each spank, each one bringing me closer to sobbing. After ten painful strikes to each cheek his hand became caressing, stroking the angry welts which I could feel raising on my reddened ass. The girl stroked her hand over my face, wiping the stray tears from my cheeks, and kissed me softly. I couldn't help but kiss back as her tongue darted over my lips like a butterfly's kiss. “Well done kitten! Daddy's smiling – you did well.” She smiled. “I know it hurts – but you liked it. I can tell – I can smell your pussy from here!” She giggled, her fingers buried in my hair. I dropped my head slightly and let out a long, shuddering breath. I could feel my wet knickers sticking damply to my sex. His hands were stroking over my cunt now where it peeped out from between my legs, and I rocked back against his palm as it cupped me. “She's very wet, princess. I think she's ready – don't you?” and she clapped her hands and bounced on the bed, nodding in agreement. He pinched my cunt a little and then I felt him pulling my knickers down – the cooler air hitting my wetness made me giggle slightly, nervously. He tapped my left foot and I lifted it automatically, followed by my right, and I had stepped out of my underwear, leaving my sopping wet pussy bare before them.
With a soft thud they landed on the bed in front of me and the girl picked them up, grinning. “Oh wow! They are soaked! You must be so desperate for Daddy's cock, kitten!” and with a slight start I realised that I was. Holding them in front of my eyes she licked them, tasting my cunt on them. The embarrassment and shame burned in me, almost as hot as my lust. “I think you should beg Daddy for his cock, kitten. You should tell him how much you want it.” I couldn't help it; I gave in completely then and begged “Please Daddy...I want your cock! Please fuck me – I need it so fucking much!” I descended into incoherent moaning then and I felt the head of his cock resting against my tight opening. I rocked back against him and he laughed. “I think she wants it, princess!” and thrust hard into me. I squealed as he drove hard, balls deep into my cunt, filling me and stretching my wet pussy around his hardness. I bucked back against him, my breath coming in gasps, Jenna grabbing at my hair and pulling my head up so she could kiss me fiercely. It felt as though he was splitting me in two as he drove in harder, deeper, slapping my thighs and ass hard as he fucked me. I could hear his breathing, rough, ragged, and I screamed over and over until she shoved my own soaked panties into my mouth to gag me. She squeezed around my throat and I started to get lightheaded, feeling my orgasm closing in on me and then crashing over, my cunt throbbing and pulsing around his cock even as I struggled for breath. Dimly I heard him pull out of me and say “Turn her over, princess, I want to cum on that pretty face.” and her grip relaxed, my underwear gag was removed and she pulled me round by the shoulders and cradled my head in her lap as he pumped his cock two or three times over my face and with a long groan of ecstasy he shot hot loads of cum over my face, splattering my cheeks and lips as I hungrily lapped it up. I closed my eyes and lay, shivering, in her arms for a few long moments. She stroked my hair softly and I felt the bed dip as he sat down. He rested his warm hand on my breast, pinching lightly now. I opened my eyes and smiled up at him and his girl and was rewarded with smiles in return. He leaned down and kissed me on the forehead, stroking strands of hair off my face, and said “Well done, kitten. Welcome to the family.”

Adventures in Photography!

Today I have been mostly very unproductive. My pretty pretty new shoes arrived this morning and therefore I spent all day dicking about, trying to take good pictures of them. I did fail rather spectacularly but I achieved a couple of rather good pictures in the meantime.

First, the not-rude one: 'Staircase'

I'm not so sure why I liked this picture, but I do. It was actually a perspective experiment to try and get a picture of me reclining on the staircase, but I liked the way it came out.

So I also took a couple of myself. This is the first one, which I couldn't be bothered to title.

It's pretty tricky to get good angles of yourself when you're restricted in terms of movement. This was before I started using the timer so I really only had my own flexibility to work with. I liked the colours in the shot and also the angle of my leg and foot.

I then took this shot, using my camera's timer. It's not the shot I wanted, but it turned out fairly well and I do like it. There's a lot of things about it which I look at and go 'yuk!'. I can see my fat. My chin looks really prominant. My hair looks frizzy. But I really kind of like it. It's me - very me. So, this is 'The Stretch'.

There...three new pictures, a couple of experiments with timers, angles and colour filters...and me still kind of regretting that I don't have my old Samsung camera because it was SO MUCH better than this Fujifilm one. Sad panda!

1888 - Part Two

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Far Too Tired

It seems like it's been a long time since I wrote an update: and that's because it is.

Although almost two full months have gone past since I last wrote, not a lot seems to have happened to me other than gaining weight and being reclusive. I mostly think this is due to the stupid tablets I am on for my depression - venlafaxine. Evil things: they have so many side effects that I feel as much like I'm losing my mind as before - just in a different direction. I forget the names for things, forget what I'm doing, can't sleep normally...it's a nightmare. I am going back to my GP to sort this shit out! In the meantime, and because I can, here's a list and summary of the antidepressants I've taken over the years:

St John's Wort - Quack remedy, IMHO. There is some scientific basis for its use but not all suppliments are created equal and the cheap stuff from Holland and Barratt definitely isn't going to do it. Did bugger all for me when I tried it.

Fluoxetine (Prozac) - SSRI. Brilliant drug and much misunderstood. Very few side effects for me, kept me pretty balanced and level at 40mg a day and it's pleasingly long half life meant that if I accidentally skipped a tablet I didn't immediately feel ill. I only really came off this drug because I was having a very hard time and even with the assistance of an SSRI I wasn't coping.

Sertraline (Zoloft) - SSRI. Yuk! I found this really terrible. My mood was noticeably decreased within a couple of weeks, I lost all motivation and by the end of ~6 weeks was almost suicidal. Not for me.

Venlafaxine (Effexor) - SNRI. A bit of a mixed bag, all told. The first ~6 months were not too bad, mood generally quite good but with high levels of side effects including confusion, 'brain fog' and problems with memory. It did hold me together when I was really struggling but since then the side effects have got substantially worse and the benefits have reduced. Coming off them is highly unpleasant - like coming off heroin - and I am not looking forward to it. I will actually try and keep a blog just to see how I feel.

Really the only other step to try would be Mirtazapine which I have no intention of going on to - the side effects are even worse than Venlafaxine!

Time to sort my shit out once and for all, stop being a pansy and take charge of my life. Get a job, pay off my debts and start being an adult about life. How can I build up my corset collection without a job, hmm? Or finish my tattoo plan? My next one, a C.S. Lewis quote from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, is coming on soon I hope, and then the matching piece in the Tengwar early next year, followed by the final part of my 4 seasons tattoos before I'm 30. Lawks! I also want to get some weight off and model more - I enjoy it, and I don't give a shit if I don't please everyone - as long as I please myself.