It's A Hard Knock Life

Today looked like it was going to be a really good day, even with a horribly early morning. Let the Puppy in at 8, didn't go back to bed and had plenty of time to get ready to go to the Jobcentre and then to go to my illicit cleaning job. I always enjoy my commute, whenever I am going anywhere on a bus. I don't know why but I find travel like that really peaceful (other than when I can't sit down, or there are too many people). I've never really been able to work out why it's so relaxing but it just is.

I had a really surprisingly helpful time with my advisor. As I'm only signing on for National Insurance credits now (so, basically, I don't get paid to be there any more) I actually didn't have to defend the reason that I am not taking any job which comes my way. I have now got some information to refer myself to the community mental health outreach team and see if I can get some help with my depression. She also understood that some jobs are just too stressful for me, even if it took her a little while to understand that actually, retail work is far more stressful than office work, because it's people I struggle with. I was there for nearly two hours but left feeling pretty positive.

Although I haven't had my antidepressants today as I've run out I still managed to get through town and bought myself some silly stuff on the way through. I have been getting close to a couple recently who are into ageplay, and it's been making me think more about it. I can really understand why people get into it and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to feel small and protected and carefree. I'd been thinking for a while about how much I kinda wanted a pacifier. I suck my thumb anyway. A pacifier isn't much further...and so I bought one. So when I was in town today I found some really cute knickers - proper little girl style - and an adorable Hello Kitty nightie, some socks and hand warmers. Part of me can't wait to wear it all and have my paci so I can just...feel that small again. I now have a little babygirl bag (which I need to hide!) which I am both pleased and ashamed by.

I also had my earlobes re-pierced. It's been more than ten years since they were first done and I have started wanting to wear cute earrings recently, so I went in, sucked up my terror and had it done. The left one hurt like a motherfucker but the right was fine, and no more nasty infected, irritated scar tissue now! Yay.

I was in such a good mood while I was cleaning - everything went well - and then I got on the bus back into town. I was tired but felt okay. And then...it all went wrong. By the time I got off the bus I felt sad. I had missed my next bus, and felt worse. Then I started coughing and some drunk guy came and was harassing me and breathing his fucking smoke into my face and then I realised there wasn't a bus for half an hour...and then my mother rang. And what she wanted wasn't to talk, to ask how I am...she wanted me to go sort my sister's shit out. Again. We were on the phone for an hour and I nearly broke down a few times. I didn't tell her I'd been self harming. I couldn't. She doesn't understand why I am so down. Truth is, neither do I. There's no reason for it other than that my head just doesn't work right, and I have to try and manage that. It's weird. I made it home, tired and coughing and feeling a little blue and before I've been online five minutes I am nagged again, to sort out her life. This time by her partner. I cried. Oh, nobody saw it but inside I cried and cried. I told him I'd been self harming and there was no concern...nothing. He seemed pissed off more than anything.

And now...? I feel numb. Earlier on today I sat and thought how good I felt, that for the first time in a long time I really felt fine - happy. I even thought that perhaps I could come off my antidepressants. And yet I'm back in this place, feeling a combination of empty and hopeless, and I can't believe how quickly it changed.