Fuck THIS!

I am so fucking sick of being ill all the fucking time! I'm exhausted, feel constantly fuzzy-headed and disconnected from everything and every time I do something the least little bit stressful or strenuous like, oh, do a couple of days work, or go out, I end up back in the same god damned state of exhaustion where I sleep for fifteen hours and wake up feeling great...for three hours, until I can't keep my eyes open and I'm falling asleep into my cup of tea.

I'm pissed off with all my bloody joints aching, with wanting to go out and motivate myself to do things and with not being able to get off my arse and do them. I'm tired of not caring about how I look, or what I do. I can't tell if my fucking antidepressants are working because I just feel so fucking SHITE all the time anyway! Half the time I just want to cry my eyes out because I feel so fucking ghastly and alone and scared of what's happening to me and sick and fucking tired of waking up constantly in the night shivering and sweating and then bloody SLEEPING all the time and having skin which is so sensitive it hurts for someone to fucking touch me and all I want is for someone to hold me and for everything to just stop feeling so fucking appalling.  I want to be looked after, for once - is that too much to ask? To be more important than a TV show or a computer game or a fucking god damned story?

Or relationship is vanilla. I'm not his sub and I'm certainly not his slave. So why the FUCK do I feel like I spend my life looking after him and getting nothing in return?

I probably feel like this because I'm ill, and so, so tired of it, but right now I want to just...leave. Go away. Take a week and just fuck off out of this place, this city, this house, and be myself and do things for me. Go see a show. Eat food he hates. Go to the cinema. Actually spend a whole day doing something, not feeling like it is a massive big deal...you know...like sitting in the park. Sounds like heaven.